08-27 samnote Copy Copy

I see the light from my phone screen on the wall. I wonder how Tyler is. The light shakes back and forth. Tyler. I don't move. I move anywhere except towards the desk. Tyler hates me, doesn't he? He can't stay safe. I can't keep him safe. I wonder where he is.

​I reach for the phone and my fingers miss, or they get close and never touch, or they pass from one side to the other. I can't follow the movement. I never can. I hunt and find nothing. All that confidence. Isn't it me, after all?

​I look in the mirror. My eyes darken, a doll with button eyes, hungry. That's my image. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. I wish I could know how.

My face doesn't stop there. The sunken gray. The stretching, splitting ridges on my neck. The sinking feet. I scream. I don't know when I stop screaming.