08-16 samnote

It’s late. Tyler thinks I’m asleep. My shoulders ache from waiting. But I can wait. I can’t even move much to write or he’ll hear. Pillow, paper pad, pencil all in line. The walls are thinner and thinner.

I’m not sure what happened after he got me so upset the other night. Every time something weird happens, Tyler is so ready. He dusts his hands off and doesn’t think any more of anything. We don’t deal with it. We don’t solve the problem. We throw it on the couch and leave. I can’t do that.

I close my eyes. An airplane passes by far overhead. The air conditioning hisses. The apartment is never as quiet as it seems.

I have a dream. I can’t breathe at first and I gasp and I can’t move and then I can move easier and easier like I’m floating. Then that’s wrong too and I’m pushing forward.

My throat feels so dry.

Why am I so worried about upsetting Tyler? If he leaves, no one will know anything. If he stays, we have a chance. I get too focused on the small stuff.

I hear someone walking around back and forth. Outside? The floor squeaks under their feet. Not squishy.

There’s a monster in here with us. I know it.

I burst through the door, past Tyler on the couch. I don’t care if he wakes up. I walk out to the corridor.

Brandon and Finn’s door is open.

I turn to peek inside. I can’t see anything. Maybe a shape like a couch.

I walk in. I hear a puppy bark, or maybe a scream?

Then
I’m back in bed.